Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce

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Marriage has been consistently under pressure in the eyes of society over the pass couple of years. Are two parents necessary for raising a child? Do we have to be legally married? With divorce rates rising, why should I risk getting married? If I am married and it is come to the point of divorce, how do I handle it? Hopefully today we will be able to discuss and answer these questions.

Especially if children are involved, the impact can be far greater than what either parent expects. Studies have shown "Children are much more likely to face financial hardship, not only in the United States but also in European countries that have more generous social welfare systems than the United States. Children who experience their parents divorce are less likely to graduate from high school, go to college, or graduate from college once they start. They are twice as likely to doubt their parent's religious beliefs and less likely to attend church services. They are at greater risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy. They are much more likely to experience a divorce when they marry." As you can see, there are many long term effects that can last on the child when parents decide on a divorce. Sometimes there are circumstances where divorce is necessary; i.e. abuse in the home, endangerment of child, or abandonment of one of the parents. President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, "...I say without hesitation that this plague among us...is not of God." We have to be mindful and cautious if we make the decision of divorce that it is not for selfish reasons.

"Many people seem to believe that once marriage has gone 'bad,' it is like bruised fruit that cannot be restored, but instead needs to be thrown and new fruit bought." Marriage is not this way! I say this with full confidence. Majority of divorces can be stopped if the spouses involved are both willing to work at it. The efforts of one alone will not heal and rebuild the marriage. If both are not willing to fight for the marriage than it will be undone. Research has found little evidence that those who do end up getting a divorce, instead of trying to fix it, are able to rebuild a greater sense of well-being and happiness. "For most divorce is not a reliable path to improving one's well-being over time." The risk is too great for your own happiness. Fight for your marriages! Do not forget about all parties involved, especially the children!

As discussed, it is important to make necessary corrections for the overall well-being of parents and children. However, marriage should be taken seriously and is not just something that can easily be tossed away. Children can become resilient as a result of divorce but it is something that can be scaring as well if divorce ends badly between parents. Both parties have to work hard to remain together and work out their differences but it can be done! May we all try to seek to set aside our differences with our spouse for the betterment of strengthening families and breaking the norms of what everyone else views to be acceptable.

Forgiveness within the Family

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Have you ever had a time when you did something to a loved one or they did something to you and the one that was in the wrong wasn't forgiven? How did that make you or them feel? I know from personal experience that I feel better when I forgive someone or if I have been forgiven. It allows more unity and love to come into the home as one another seeks to reach out and forgive. Amazingly enough, if it is something that is really hard to forgive, forgiveness is not for the one that has wronged us but for our own selves. We need to forgive others because we made the choice to act in such a way. We have a choice to choose how we will react to what others do or say. It may not even be their intention to harm us in any way and we interpreted it wrongly. It definitely puts a different spin on things when we reflect more on what we could do differently rather than immediately pointing fingers and accusing others of whatever it was that they had done. I think that the greatest way in which we can forgive is through prayer. We can be provided with comfort and peace by seeing others in a way that our Lord would see them through His infinite love for all mankind. This will allow us to change our perspective and in turn our hearts will be softened towards them. I know that this can be really hard at times and it definitely does take time to no longer be hurt. I do know that as we forgive those that have wronged us, we will be happier and become more resilient in our relationships with those around us. I know that if we have wronged someone we would hope that they would forgive us just as the same. May we be a little bit kinder, a little more loving, and a little bit more forgiving within our families. We will be blessed for our efforts as we strive to work at this together.

Defending the Sanctity of Human Life

 

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I believe that life is a beautiful and precious gift that our Heavenly Father has provided to us. It is such a beautiful thing that a man and a woman can create a human life together. The topic of abortion has so much controversy as to when a life goes into a fetus. "The etymology of the Old English word for life includes meanings such as "body" and "person," or that which "remains" and continues." Life can be defined as a condition of sustained regenerative activity, energy, expression, or power that human beings and other animate creatures experience" (Hawkins, A.J., 2012). My personal believe is that a life is created upon conception. We penalize those that murder and kill and yet if you look at a fetus, they look like a little human being with a heartbeat! How is abortion any different than murder? In my own opinion, there is no difference. "Respect for the sanctity of life increases when we remember that "the life" is one of the titles by which Jesus identifies himself: "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me" (John 14:6)" (Hawkins, A.J., 2012). Keep that in mind.

What can we do to support life and lessen or eliminate abortion? As The Proclamation to the World: The Family states, "we call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family." We can be advocates and stand up for what is right. Is it scary? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be worth it? Absolutely yes. We can save lives. There are a few things in which I would like to share with you on what we can do:

• Maintain and promote chastity and fidelity
• Help provide for unwed parents
• Become better informed
• Discuss the sanctity of life accurately and appropriately
• Recognize the consequences of abortion
• Strengthen our own ideologies of the sanctity of life

I would like to mention that there are always those special circumstances where abortion may be the only way such as rape or if the mother or child will die from birth. Again, we have to be sensitive to those around us. We don't have to agree but we need to be open minded to what others have to say and try to understand their perspectives. I hope that all of us including myself may work harder in advocating for children and trying to prevent abortion. Every child deserves to live. 

Hawkinds, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., Draper, T.W. (2012) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives.   

Wholesome Family Recreation: Building Strong Families

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There are many different types of recreation. Especially now that the world has been modernized with various technologies, there is such a vast variety. It is important however, that we do wholesome things. Wholesome? Meaning, something that is beneficial and worthwhile for the whole family to participate in. It should do nothing that would be mentally, physically, or emotionally damaging to any of the members of the family. An example of this, going to an "PG-13" rated movie with your 4 year old child. (I see this all of the time and am completely dumbfounded!!!) C'mon people! Your child is not old enough to be exposed to that type of stuff. Families should be actively involved in activities that will promote long lasting happiness. Not just the temporary happiness that comes from the activity but through continually seeking to want to be together as a family unit in doing things together because it makes them happy. "Life is complicated and full of demands. The expectation to experience wholesome recreation while we travel down life's road does not make life any easier. Recognizing the potholes along the way and the probable consequences if we step in them can help us avoid them, making the journey easier" (Hawkins, A.J., et al, 2012). I really loved this quote! How amazing is that? Just by making such a small tweak in our lives, we can become so much happier and fulfilled in our lives. No, its not going to take away nor solve all of our problems but we will be so much happier throughout our journey in life.

I want to now pose the thought about children and planning activities for them to do. Recreational activities does not mean scheduling your child for 5 different activities throughout the week and going and supporting them as a family. "Family experts have warned against what they call the over scheduling of children...Among many measures of this disturbing trend are the reports that structured sports time has doubled, but children's free time has declined by 12 hours per week and unstructured outdoor activities have fallen by 50%. The number of those who reported that their "whole family usually eats dinner together together " has declined 33%...There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you" (Hawkins, A.J., et al, 2012). These percentages absolutely astonished me! Children absolutely crave to have attention not from anyone else but from their parents. Parents are the only ones whom can provide the attention and interaction that the child wants and really needs. I know that there are those special circumstances where parents may not be in the child's life and this definitely is adjusted to whomever the child feels the closest to. I think that the biggest issue is that parents need to slow down a little bit more and enjoy their family. Take the time to get to know one another more. You know what they say, time sure does fly! We need to take a step back and evaluate if we are spending enough time with those that we care about most, our families. Children grow up way too fast and you will never get that time back. Live for today in the moment and enjoy each others company rather than focusing on the lesser important things. Do things together to build healthy relationships and that will strengthen the most basic unit of society, the family. 


Hawkinds, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., Draper, T.W. (2012) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives.  

Understanding Abuse in Family Life

This is a cringe worthy topic in my mind yet this is definitely something that I feel is not addressed enough; the idea of abuse and how it can greatly impact the family and each individual. Abuse is not just physical, emotional or sexual maltreatment. It can also be of spiritual nature as well. It has been stated that it is "actions or attitudes that are intended to hurt or control. It can include many different types of behaviors, from subtle verbal criticisms to the severest forms of physical or sexual violence" (Hawkins, A.J. et. al., 2012). Abuse is always something that starts out small and then works its way into something bigger. 

We know that abuse is typically found in intimate partner relationships and abuse with parent to child. Let me talk again about children which is a subject that all of you know is near and dear to me. "The term child maltreatment encompasses child neglect and child abuse in their various forms. Estimating the prevalence of child maltreatment is complex due to not only to its multiple manifestations, but also because it is impossible to know how much maltreatment goes unreported. Worldwide, younger children tend to be more vulnerable to physical abuse, and pubescent and adolescent children are at relatively higher risk for sexual abuse" (Hawkins, A.J. et. al., 2012) It is so saddening that there are so many children that are maltreated in such repulsive ways. These children are innocent human beings that look to their leaders and those that they love for guidance and direction in order to be taught what is right. If children are being abused especially beginning at such a young age, what are they being taught? Children cannot report for themselves when they have been abused because they don't recognize it as being bad. They feel bad and ashamed because of it but typically it is someone close to them that abuses them. They will not stand up against someone they love! Studies have shown that those whom abuse others typically have been abused themselves as a child or adolescent. Children need more people to advocate for them and stand on their side when they have no one else that will. As members of society we need to become aware of our surroundings and report when something doesn't seem right. Get to know your neighbors and those that you associate with at work, school, and other functions. Children really NEED our help!!!!

The next type of abuse that I want to discuss is intimate partner violence. Let me share a statistic with you, "World Health Organization researchers found that women throughout the world suffer physical and sexual violence by intimate partners at rates usually between 29 and 62%. Much of this violence is severe and continuous" (Hawkins, A.J. et. al., 2012). I must say that I was shocked by those numbers. To think that there is so much violence out there is absolutely amazing to me. It makes me wonder if we choose that life or if that life has chosen us. As adults, we choose whom we love. You think you would get to know the person as much as you can before getting yourself into a sticky situation with abuse involved. I know that sometimes it comes out of nowhere but most of the time you can detect it beforehand. If you are in an abusive relationship, GET OUT! You are better than that! You are of great worth and if someone is going to treat you like a piece of dirt, it is not worth any ounce of time or energy. Find someone whom truly loves you and cares about you for who YOU ARE! Please get help if you feel stuck! I haven't had firsthand experience with abuse, but I can empathize with you. There was a woman age 26 that told us a clip of her story that I would like to share with you. "I was powerless. i felt trapped and I felt like I was paralyzed, I couldn't get out of it and I started struggling with moral issues and spiritual issues and feeling like I wanted to get out of it but honestly I was so terrified of the process and the aftermath of what that would mean...it was easier to just stay in that situation and deal with it than to make things worse by getting out" (Hawkins, A.J. et. al., 2012). I can't even imagine what this would feel like and I know the difficulty in trying to get out. It will make you a stronger person for yourself and especially for your family if any involved. 

I would like to end with this, "recovering from abuse is possible. The process of healing can be facilitated with help from mental health professionals as well as trusted family members, friends and ecclesiastical leaders...Not all who have suffered abuse need treatment. However, there are treatments that have been shown to be effective in reducing symptoms and improving well-being" (Hawkins, A.J. et. al., 2012). You are never alone. There is always someone around you that is more than willing to help you in all ways possible to make sure that family members are safe in all ways possible. Remember that. 



Hawkinds, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., Draper, T.W. (2012) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. 

Mothers as Nurturers

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This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. As I am a Child Development major, this is of extreme importance to me. Children need their parents to nurture and care for them but especially to have their mothers be the primary nurturers. In our society, take a look around you. What do you see when it comes to mothers? They are out in the workforce working long hours shuffling their children off to daycare or the babysitter. They are missing out on so many opportunities with their children!! Their children will continually grow up and those mothers will never be able to get that missed time back. Now, I do understand that there are times where mothers do need to work based on various circumstances. However, they better be darn good reasons! Selfish desires of more money to do more things is absolutely just wrong.

A First Presidency statement in 1942 declared: "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels" (James R. Clark, 1935-1951, p. 178). How amazing is that? As women, we have this beautiful gift to raise and rear children in such a way that allows us close to divinity. If you don't think that is an absolutely amazing and important gift I don't know what else would be. "One of the primary ways mothers nurture growth and development is through helping create an environment of safety, peace, and learning. A central part of creating that environment is through organizing the home and family so that routines and rituals are carried out effectively" (Hawkins, A.J., et al, 2012). Children need routines. They depend upon it. There needs to be consistency in a child's life. If the parents are constantly switching things up in a child's life, the child is not going to be able to handle that very well. 

Showing children love is the number one rule. Children need to know that you care about them through both word and deed. "A mother's attentive love in this new relationship, between parent and child, becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective" (Hawkins, A.J., et al, 2012). Even if a child is being rebellious or deliberately not adhering to the rules or wishes of the parent, the child will need discipline and consequences. As long as there is a healthy relationship between mother and child, the child will know that these consequences and discipline are done out of love.

Motherhood is no easy task. I am not one myself but as I see those around me whom are, my hat goes off to you. It is something that can really stretch you daily but the reward is so much greater. "We have all seen the effect that stress and exhaustion can have on our parenting. We overreact. We are harsh. We fail to use good sense. We lose sight of the child's motives and needs. When we're not happy and balanced, our parenting suffers" (Goddard, 2011, n.p.). If you are having a rough day with your children, give yourself a "time out." Give yourself a chance to breath in a difficult situation and think about what you want to do next. Find out the reasons why your child behaved in such a way. Talk it out with them rather than jumping to conclusions because you are heated in the moment. Children are punished for their decisions but we as adults are never punished for what we do to our children if we do something wrong. We need to be careful that we don't slip down a slippery slope which could eventually lead to abuse in extreme cases. 

I know that others may view this as ridiculous and money can help for the betterment of the family but let me just say this, live within your means. Money cannot buy happiness. What matters most are those whom you love. If all of your possessions were taken away from you, what would you have left? Your family.

Hawkinds, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., Draper, T.W. (2012) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives.

Complete Fidelity in Marriage and Roles and Responsibilities within the Family

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I have a few things I would like to share today. In a world that is ever changing, there needs to be more commitment to marriage. I saw a saying the other day that said something along the lines of "if you are in a relationship, why stay in it if marriage isn't your end goal?" That got me really thinking. It is so true! There are too many families with parent that often are cohabitant or there are sky rocketing divorce rates. Why??!?! Why can't we just make commitments? If we are serious in being committed to a relationship when we are dating we should be even more so committed in getting married or committed after marriage.

After marriage begins there is just a plethora of different things that can destroy the bonds of matrimony. Infidelity is the number one cause of problems. You may be surprised as to what may fall under that category. It doesn't matter if you actually have had sexual relations with someone else while married. It can be as small as a thought or fantasizing. If you have these thoughts, eventually every little thing can lead to larger actions. Be careful! Lead your mind to something else if you are struggling with this. If you want to fight for your marriage you will rid yourself of these thoughts. Elder Richard G. Scott once stated, "Intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord...outside of marriage because they undermine His purposes...When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm." What a powerful statement Elder Scott has given us. I think some of the time when a spouse seeks attention elsewhere, they are not intending to do damage to their loved one. However, the effects are extremely harmful to the other. My advice, avoid it at all costs. This will allow you to rid any temptations in your life and the harm that can come from the separation of spouses that can lead to divorce and destroy the family that was once created. 

Always be on guard. "Therapist and author Dr. Shirley Glass points out that infidelity is more about boundaries than anything else. She uses the analogy of walls and windows. In an extramarital affair, people put up walls in their own marriage and open the window to others outside the marriage. Instead, we must know how to put up appropriate walls to protect our marriages from outside influences and open the window of love and communication within our marriage (Hawkins, A. J., et al, 2012)" I couldn't have stated it any better myself. We have to make sure that we are always looking inward and focusing on what we have rather than looking outward and wondering what else is out there for us to enjoy momentarily. 

At times it can be hard but you and your spouse need to work it out. Stick together the best you can. Forgiveness can be such a powerful tool. Now, I am aware that there are such circumstances where separation is the best option but more times than not when couples separate, it could have been an issue that could easily been dealt with.

Now I want to switch gears here. I would like to discuss how much there has been a paradigm shift in the equality of partners. We are equal!!!! Men are NOT greater than women nor women greater then men! Society has this twisted idea that one sex is greater. This is not what our Lord had intended for us. Yes, we do have different roles that we play. Yes, we are different but we all are striving to work together! We all have a job to fulfill here on earth. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught, "The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. all of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the world." How beautiful is that?! We each have great individual worth. We all have potential to become something great but we must work together in our equality with our own families! There is absolutely no such thing as "man's work and women's work." In my own little family, my husband and I have a motto: "If there is a need, fill it." We always have each other's back and are continually looking out for each other. There is always room for improvement but as long as you have the goal in mind together, you are already half way there in accomplishing that goal. 

I know that I have rambled off quite a few things. I do know that this is hard work and dedication. I do know this, we will be greatly blessed, our marriages will be strengthened, and our homes will be heaven on earth if we continually strive to do our absolute best in keeping our eye on that prize. Please comment if you have any questions or thoughts! 

Hawkinds, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., Draper, T.W. (2012) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives.